Articles from prior issues of The Advocate

September/October, 1997

Dealing With Grief
by Ruthie Trent, Kentucky DDS

HOW CAN THERE BE “HAPPY holidays” when one has experienced the loss of a loved one? The emptiness and dread of the winter holidays are foreboding to a grieving family. The lights, ornaments and expectations just add clutter to the confused mass of decisions, memories, guilt and anger of grief. KADE recently sponsored a "Lunch and Learn" that helped in dealing with stress and grief during the holidays. Linda Blair, LSSW, CSW, shared some ideas. According to Ms. Blair, we need to think of death as a natural part of the life process. How we view death affects how we will grieve, how we support others and how we will live our life.

When a loved one dies, Ms. Blair informed us of four things we must do:

1)Grieve--this is a natural, normal healing process. We are beginning to let go.

2)Accept--this helps us work through the pain.

3)Adjust to the environment in which the deceased is missing.

4)Emotionally relocate the person and move on with life.

Christmas, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and New Year’s Day are especially hard days. Ms. Blair gave some general points to help get through these days. Some of these are:

1)Ask family and friends what one aspect or tradition makes each holiday special, then, build your holiday plans to include these “special” requests.

2)Remember that holidays are really found in your heart. Joy comes in reaching out to touch others’ lives. Watch for those tiny happy memories in your thoughts and let them lead you in what you need to do.

3)Choose to do activities that bring peace and joy, not pain and chaos.

4)Choose to do a few things rather than many. Do one at a time.

5)Consider incorporating some new or old traditions. You may wish to recall the religious roots from which these holidays evolved.

Some other things to do: Write your feelings about the holidays. Write a holiday letter to the person you miss so much. Provide quiet sharing time for immediate family. Have a memory candle burning during meals.