Articles from prior issues of The Advocate

September/October, 1997

Dealing With Difficult People
by Meredith Mucci, Kentucky DDS

DR ANDREW SCHECHTERMAN (“SHECK-TUR-MIN”) SPOKE to a very attentive group of Kentucky DDS employees, on January 24, 1997. We have all had to deal with some difficult people in our lives. Dr. Schechterman recommends we first listen to ourselves and determine what it is that is upsetting us about this person. He states this is more important than trying to psychoanalyze the difficult person. Effective communication is the key. We need to do more listening and less talking. He stated that people who listen well tend to be promoted more often and make more money. They hear what the person has to say. He stated your tone of voice is very important. We should speak slowly and accurately in a smooth low tone. He also recommends that we be genuinely enthusiastic. We should not fake a smile. The best way to learn a behavior is to watch someone else. This is called “modeling”. People who grow up in hostile homes tend to be hostile. The good news is we can change. We can learn to do things differently. We need to maintain healthy control. The key is not controlling other people but to control ourselves. We need to appreciate that the person being difficult has something else going on behind them. They tend to crank up the volume. We need to keep our tone at a reasonable level. There is merit in the saying, “Stop screaming at me, I can’t hear what you are saying.” He recommends that we do this for ourselves and the secondary effect is soothing to others. Many claimants feel they have never gotten a fair shake and they are probably right. A poor education and few chances to witness good models put them at a disadvantage. He stated we don’t need to punish them; we need to model for them. On every playground there is a bully and for every bully there is a bully at home. (Mom and Dad having problems, an alcoholic environment, etc.) He stated that emotional violence is worse than physical violence. These types of people alienate us and we tend to move away from them. We are all social creatures. We need to have human contact even if we don’t touch. Knowing your “hot buttons” is very important. If you find yourself in a heated discussion and your hot button has been pushed, you may have to say: “I need to leave right now; I’ll get back with you at (set a time)” and be sure to call them back. Hopefully, when you get back together the person and you will be calmer, but if not, you may again have to say: “I’ll have to get back with you at (set a time)”. Usually giving that person time to calm down and knowing that you will follow up with them helps to alleviate or soothe the volatile situation. Time is a very valuable. We need to be consistently, constantly empathetic, always willing to listen and let them know that they are always invited to come back. Dr. Schechterman’s talk was very informative and useful. We received some very valuable handouts and I will be glad to get copies to anyone who wishes to have them.