Articles from prior issues of The Advocate

November/December, 1997

“Rheumatic Ruminations Of A Disabled A Clams Examiner Trainee”
by Swain L. Wilson, Hawaii DDS retiree cer

Note: “Swain or Sam as we know him, worked at the Hawaii DDS for only about two years but during his short time, he made a whole lot of wonderfully funny observations which we would like to share with Advocate readers.” Helen Kawashima, Supervisor Hawaii DDS.

Acrophobia: Morbid dread of acronyms

AJ: Ankle jerk, one above a foot freak (see foot freak)

Alligator: Someone who makes allegations

Ascite: As in “ascite for sore eyes”

Atresia: I find all this stuff about atresia, stricture, stenosis or obstruction of the esophagus hard to swallow

Atrophy: What you get for wasting muscles, like in a bowling league

Binocular aphakia: A phony pair of binoculars

CAT scan: A test to tell if a patient has cats. Usually required by condos with a “no pets” house rule

Cancer biopsy reports: No nodes is good nodes

Catatonic: Catnip

Claimant: The sister of the mother or father of the person submitting a claim; more common than claimuncles

Comatose: A foot disease common to astronomers; primary symptom is the foot goes to sleep

Cryptogram: A message delivered by a Western Union boy on a crutch

Defile: To remove a record from a file drawer

Depressed: All wrinkled. Being depressed is common with elders

DOT: Dictionary of Occupational Titles; Occupational Group 666 - Boring Occupations (allegedly includes dentists and drill sergeants

Fistula: What a fissure catches

Foot freak: An archetype

Fungal: A good woman to take to a party

HDL: The part of cholesterol produced in the liver and secreted by tiny ducts (Huey, Dewey and Louie)

Inflatuation: Something that will pass

Listings: Meeting the listings for a deafness claim is unheard of

Lumbar spine: So called because in many people it is stiff as a board

Multiple body systems: Found primarily in Siamese twins

Nephrectomy: A kick in the okole* delivered by an uncle to a nephew

Nephritis: Male version of nieceritis

Opthalmalogist: A doctor who can tell the difference between luxury cars, particularly a winkin’ and a cataract

Paranoia: What two people sitting behind you in the movie theater and talking all the time do

Pathological liar: A pathologist who falsifies lab reports Pediatrics: Tricks that you do with your feet

Plastic Surgery: Cutting up your credit cards; neoplastic, a new credit card

Podiatrist: Can be the sole source of medical evidence regarding foot disabilities

Policy: New SSA policy - three strokes and your out Old SSA policy - no pain, no gain

Rheumatologist: Hotel staff member in charge of reservations, check-in/check-out, etc.

Sedimentary work: It’s a dirty job, but somebody has to do it

Serous: Not funny, i.e. blood poisoning is a ser’ous condition

Statutory blindness: Frequently found in governing bodies; acquired by reading too may statutes

Tricyclic antidepressant: Making kids happy by giving them tricycles

Wassail: “What’s wrong with you?” from old DDB Christmas carol “Here we Come A-Wassailing”

Withdrawl: A speech impairment common in southern states

Advice to examiners: To avoid a lot of crummy cases, don’t eat at your desk

CE Training: Should include the Three R’s - Reading Rotten Riting