The reasons for unhappiness and depression in some people during the holidays seem to fall into several categories; current problems and old wounds, anniversary reactions and a decrease in the amount of light passing through the retina. Obviously, the holiday spirit is dampened or lost for anyone who is in the midst of a crisis. One may be suffering a serious health problem or a loved one may be ill. A family upset concerning a spouse, child, or parent may be another reason for unhappiness. A work related or financial problem may be extremely troublesome especially at this time of year. Whatever the cause may be, the severity and misery involved for the suffering person can be heightened by comparison with the fun and excitement enjoyed by everyone else.

This year, we may all experience a damper on our holiday fun related to our fears and trepidation with regard to the terrorism which began on Sept. 11th. The holidays can be a source of stress because of all of the demands on our time and the financial drain. Now many people may also be concerned with the future and whether or not we will be faced with serious threats of biological warfare and other means of terrorism.

There are some people who come to the office without concerns about immediate health problems or worries about terrorism. “The holidays are always terrible for me... I hate this time of year. I always get depressed around the holidays” . For some people, exploration during psychotherapy indicates that a significant other died sometime during the season. If there are unresolved conflicts about that person, it is not unusual for these people to reexperience their grief during this time of year. In fact, for someone who experienced a significant loss over the past year, it is very common to experience the blues each time various anniversaries occur for the first time during the year of mourning. Significant anniversary events include birthdays and the holidays.

For some people, the holiday season means the opening of old wounds. Again, the reasons may vary. I recall hearing about fathers who would come home so drunk that they would stumble into the Christmas tree causing it to crash to the floor, smashing everything on or under it. Or, fathers and mothers who would drink and become abusive to the children or each other. Some clients remember childhood holidays as times of family fights and screaming to an unusual degree. Others tell of toyless and joyless holidays and feelings of depression and inadequacy. And still others speak of a deeper sense of deprivation, emotional deprivation and broken families, emotionally cold and distant families or separated from their families.

In an issue of Psychology Today, Florence Kaslow, Ph.D., director of the Florida Couple and Family Institute in West Palm Beach stated, “if the relationship we have with our family is basically sound, then we’re probably looking forward to the visit and to having fun. Stress comes when there is a high level of unresolved conflicts and the fear that conflict may be ignited again.” Conflicts can occur over issues such as power and control, values and attitudes, respect, gratitude and money. Regardless of the specific cause in childhood, the holiday period brought unhappiness and pain which was underscored by the joy of others. Every year the holiday time is a reminder and an opening of the old wounds and perhaps a fear that the old childhood unhappiness will recur.

To help people have as pleasant a visit as possible, Kaslow offers the following “Ten Commandments for Going Home”:

1. Talk out your expectations for the visit in advance so there are no surprises.

2. Abide by the rules of the houses.

3. Plan your visit for the optimal amount of time.

4. Plan time alone when visiting; take walks; go to another room and read.

5. Understand that disagreements can be discussed and not swept under the rug.

6. Accept your differences. The relationship is more important than winning on a particular point.

7. Keep a sense of humor; laugh at small stuff.

8. Have mutual respect across generational lines for different values and needs.

9. Be a considerate guest; don’t tie up the phone or hog the TV or the computer.

10. Have realistic expectations. Don’t expect a magical holiday.

Finally, some people experience depression during the winter regardless of what is going on in their life. Some people report that beginning in the fall as the days get shorter and the sunlight becomes more limited, their mood turns blue. In the spring, as the days grow longer and they experience more sunlight, their mood improves. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a form of depression that occurs as the result of the limited amount of light passing through the retina, usually during the winter season. Some people derive benefit from special lights that supplement the normal sunlight during the winter months.

Maybe if each of us reaches out a little bit more to those who are unhappy, we could help ease the “holiday blues”. However, if you know someone suffering from significant depression during any season of the year, an appropriate referral to mental health professional can help to get them back on track. Most often a combination of psychotherapy and an appropriate medication can be successful in helping to get the person out of the “blues”.